2 years ago

I wish both of them would change their Tumblr URLs. I hate knowing them. I try and try and try not to go back and read what was written by them, but I always do. 

Am I supposed to be okay? Am I supposed to be over it? Truthfully, I’m not. Yeah, I’m married and I love him with all my heart but I can’t erase the past and my feelings. It was love…at least for me. Why did I get married when I loved two people? It’s what I felt was right and what I wanted. To be honest I wanted both, but I couldn’t have it that way. I have a daughter and she deserves more than two separate homes. I was thinking of her. If I didn’t have a daughter things would have been beyond different. I guess no one sees that but me. Would I take her back to be with him? No. She is the most important thing in the entire world to me. I love her more than anyone or anything. I was thinking of her when my decision was made. Have me and my husband had fights? Yes. I want to work past them. It’s very hard. It’s been so much better since I went to stay at my moms. I hope it works out. I don’t want her going through what I did growing up. 

What pisses me off, though, is when her and I hung out. She told me EVERYONE is mad at her for talking to me again. Excuse me, but that’s bullshit. Just because he’s their family doesn’t mean that I did it on my own. I know in my heart that I was not the first to start a lot of things. I admit to the cuddling. That’s about it. Everyone is probably telling her that I’m lying. It’s not fair. It’s not fair for me to be the one knocked down when he did just as much if not more. He was the one that pulled me to him on their wedding night and kissed me in secret. He was the one who kissed my cheek on the dance floor in front of everyone. He was the one who called me while everyone was passed out or asleep. He was the one who leaned in and kissed me over 75% of the time…yet I get all the blame. It really irritates me because I deserve more than that. I’m happy I’m given another chance as her friend but I feel like I should be defended, even if a little bit. I was also the one to tell her EVERYTHING, even when he tried to lie and say he didn’t remember a lot of stuff. I didn’t hide anything after it all came out.

I really didn’t want to make another Tumblr. I barely keep up with the ones I do have and in the end this comes out to them and it sucks. I’m determined to keep this hidden. I can’t hurt anyone anymore. I feel like I have no one left to talk to. I don’t have anyone left to talk to. 

I also hate that they’re hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend a lot. I know that my sister and him work together but I know that they all talk about me and it really hurts. I wouldn’t do that to them, especially with such a touchy subject. It’s ridiculous. I feel like I can’t tell my sister or them anything. They go back and forth. I tell people things in confidence and I just get fucked over in the end. It really hurts.

I wish that he would talk to me. He seems over it and over me but I don’t think that he is, no matter how much he tried to deny it. I think that he’s just pushing it back but it’s still there. Still as strong. I don’t know what I get that feeling. Maybe it’s because I’m going through a lot of that. I wish I knew how he felt. I wish that I could talk to him. Alone. I know that will probably never happen again…okay maybe in the DISTANT future…but still. It’s not the same. I want and need to talk to him now. I’m bursting with questions for him. Even if we were alone and talking I don’t think he’d answer me…at least not straight. I don’t think he wants to talk to me. He probably hates me for getting married. I want to tell him I’m sorry and that I did love him…I do love him. It may not be as much, but I do…I only want him as a friend, though. I swear. No one would believe that either. I just wish I could talk to him so bad. 

I have no idea what I would do if I actually saw him. I feel like I might cry. Maybe it’s just because I’m emotional and typing right now. I don’t know. I want to hug him…JUST hug. I want to talk. Ugh. This is so depressing. 

I have dreams with them in it. I hate it. I don’t know what to think or do when I wake up and it kills me. It takes me so long to get to bed because I’m afraid of dreaming of them. Maybe I should try sleeping pills. I didn’t go to sleep until 5am the other day. Sad, isn’t it?

I want to text him. I’m afraid to. I don’t…know anymore.

I’m sorry.